Welcome to Detroit, it’s a sports city. We have an esteemed, long-standing history as one of the cities with all of the major sports leagues located in or around it! Some of our teams have even been pretty good at times! Hey, the Red Wings have the most Stanley Cups for a U.S. based team. There have certainly been some good years for the Tigers as well as the Pistons. They all take the normal cyclical history of going from contender to crap back to contender. The Pistons have recently gone through a rebuilding and are coming back better than ever, except when they won whatever the NBA championship award is called. That leaves one team that eluded and evaded championship contention for decades. The Detroit Lions. Nothing is more painful than every year looking yourself in the mirror and honestly telling yourself that this is the year the Lions will take it all, and it never is, never.
Not even George R.R. Martin could kill as many careers as the Detroit Lions. They snatch up, somehow, some of the greatest generational players of their time and burn them out in less than ten years and churn them out. The team tries their patience for losing so goddamn much. Calvin Johnson was on the team when they went 0-16 and how he managed to stay playing football for that much longer is still baffling to me. Barry Sanders won a playoff game with the team and he still quit. Winning one playoff game is like winning the Super Bowl, which will never happen, except for this year. It’s their year.
Somehow every year the fan base manages to work itself up into this utter stupor and convince each other that Marvin Jones is an actual receiver and Jahvid Best was a good draft pick. He played a handful of games and then he got too many concussions and had to retire early. One of the more recent draft years for the Lions is composed entirely of players who no longer play in the NFL. We wasted an entire year of players on bad draft picks. Every time we have a new general manager they pretend like they’re going to reinvent the wheel and the team is going magically win again. The Patriot way is not a thing and Bob Quinn is not bringing it to Detroit. The Patriot way is Bill Belichick cheating, scheming and grinding his way to wins.
Speaking of coaches, the Lions are supposed to have one but all I can see is a fucking scarecrow someone put too much stuffing in and put on the sidelines. Someone needs to get me a Flavor Flav size clock to help with his time management. Somehow, Jim Caldwell is winningist coach in Lions history and damn does that say nothing at all. The Lions organization is one of major twists and rewrites. Jim Schwartz turned our team into a bunch of loudmouth football hooligans and then started sucking, so the Ford family hired a mannequin from the big and tall department of JC Penny. They tell me he is calm and cool under pressure but I think that look is just him trying to figure out what stadium he drove to in the morning and if his quarterback is on the field or not.
Matthew Stafford, the prince who was promised, the franchise quarterback, young frat boy, keg stand champion; all of these terms can be used to describe our team’s quarterback. He came to us a number one overall pick and a young fresh face of a boy. He still looks like a little boy but now he has two injured riddled years and a few dozen mediocre starts under his belt. Now, it’s not fair to say he has not played some really good games in his life but they might be outweighed by the real stinkers, especially in the last two years. Maybe if we managed to find someone who could coach a quarterback he might turn into something useful but right now he just bombs it a million miles an hour down the field in the general direction of a shape that looked like Calvin Johnson and hoped he snags it. I don’t think he’s all that bad. Best we’ve probably ever had around here. Praise Jim Bob Cooter and his magical offensive scheming and we might just have ourselves a gosh darn good team. Too bad that guy is a sexual predator and sneaks into ladies homes at night. She probably dropped the charges because she found out he was working for the Lions and that is a worse off fate than winding up in prison.
So here we are, the beginning of another impending football season. Our pride will be our undoing. We have all drank to Kool-Aid, it’s blueberry flavored I assume. This is the year the Lions rise above mediocrity and claim their rightful throne as the least bad of the NFLs bad teams. Matthew Stafford will lead us out of the long night and into the valley of champions. We won’t get fucked by the NFL officials on a weekly basis and blatantly in the playoffs. Realistically, I hope we win on Thanksgiving and Matthew Stafford improves. However, I have drunk deep on the football gods sweet nectar and the fresh season files me with hope. This is our year.